


use somebody

by bluelines



Category: Hockey RPF, Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 20:13:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10793940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluelines/pseuds/bluelines
Summary: Four Nations is when Kacey's life falls apart. Meghan is who puts her back together again.





	use somebody

**Author's Note:**

> 2016 Four Nations was a rough time to be Kacey, since the coach at the time had been benching her for no good reason since Worlds, and I wanted to fix it. Turns out she fixed it herself when they fired that asshole, but...

Kacey has a bad feeling about Finland the second her feet touch the ground.

Part of it is that she’s exhausted and Courtney hasn’t answered her in what’s going on two days, but it feels like something else, too, when she looks around at everyone in the fluorescent terminal lights. She doesn’t feel ready at all. 

In practice it feels like all her joints are clicking and sticking together in weird places, but she doesn’t want to say anything. Nothing hurts, she just feels slow, and even though nobody says anything to her she wonders if it’s noticeable. She can’t ask without drawing attention to it, and she doesn’t want to sound insecure--she has an A on her jersey, she’s supposed to help lead the team, not beg for validation--so she doesn’t say anything about it at all. 

In the locker room when she’s taking off her skates, she’s unreasonably irritated by the chatter, by the younger girls’ excitement, even by Meghan’s laugh, which carries around the room over everything else.

Kacey puts in her headphones for the bus ride back to the hotel, hoping that she can get away with a row to herself. It’s in the front, where nobody wants to sit, and she thinks she’s gotten away with it when Meghan slides in beside her. She has her headphones in too, and she doesn’t say a word, which Kacey is thankful for.

She checks her phone again. She doesn’t have service or wifi, but it’s a habit now. Meghan reaches over and blocks the screen with her hand, and when Kacey looks up she presses her lips together.

“Hockey is your girlfriend now,” Meghan says, very seriously, and Kacey can’t help but splutter in indignant laughter. She doesn’t _want_ to laugh. She doesn’t want to enjoy herself. She wants to stew and worry, but Meghan’s not going to let her.

-

They always announce the lineup to the group all together. It’s something you learn early on and it’s something you learn to cope with on the fly, in semi-public, and Kacey, just like anyone else, has had that experience. But this time hearing the D pairs and realizing she’s the odd one out is different. This time it makes her sick to her stomach. It’s not Canada, it’s not like Kamloops, but it’s bad, it’s embarassing, to have the A stitched above her heart but only a thermos in her hands when the game starts.

Sitting with Amanda almost makes it easier, because she has someone to put a face on for, someone to crack jokes with even though she’s watching the defense, the holes she would have patched up. When Meghan scores, Kacey screams herself hoarse, and when she checks her phone during a stoppage of play in the third there’s an email from Courtney that, for a few moments, makes her feel as though being scratched for a game against Sweden really is kind of a small problem, in the scheme of things. She doesn’t read it. She doesn’t want to read it yet.

Instead she watches her team win just fine without her.

-

_Hey,_

_I went ahead and grabbed the rest of my stuff since it was already packed. The key’s on the kitchen counter. Maybe we can get lunch when you’re back? I miss being your friend._

_Court_

-

When Kacey gets out of the shower, she rereads the email three times before she gives up trying to find it in her to cry. She can feel that she needs to, but it isn’t happening, and there’s a part of her that’s thankful for that. Lee is too smart not to be able to recognize that kind of thing, and Kacey can’t let anyone know she’s a mess like this, certainly not someone like Lee, someone who looks up to her. 

When she leaves the bathroom, phone in one hand and towel in the other, it’s not Lee that’s sitting on the other bed with reading glasses perched on the edge of her nose. It’s Meghan.

The first thing Kacey feels is annoyance. For Meghan to be here, someone had to have traded roommates, and she thinks she has a pretty good idea who did it. That means that at least two other people besides her and Meghan know that she’s a mess, and that means that everyone will, eventually, which defeats the purpose of her trying to keep it together. Meghan looks up ather and Kacey glares in her direction before dropping the towel unceremoniously on the desk chair.

“Hey,” Meghan says, and Kacey ignores her for a few seconds to brush her hair instead. When she’s done she turns around and Meghan is still waiting for her to answer.

“I didn’t need you to do this,” she says, and Meghan raises an eyebrow.

“Now both of them know you felt like you needed to come take care of me,” Kacey continues, digging through her backpack for something to read that isn’t Meghan’s facial expression.

“I don’t need you to come scrape me up off the ground,” she goes on, “I’m not--I didn’t need everyone to know.”

She knows that it’s stupid as soon as the words are out of her mouth. They’re her teammates, and most of them would have known something was off, even if they didn’t know the details or understand entirely. She had never spared anyone anything, really. In the end that’s what really gets her, enough to make her tear up, and she swipes angrily at her eyes as Meghan stands up and comes to her.

Meghan wraps Kacey up in a hug that’s impossible to run away from even if Kacey wants to think she doesn’t need it. With Meghan’s arms around her shoulders, all Kacey knows how to do is give up and loop her arms around Meghan’s waist. Meghan is bigger enough and solid enough to take most of Kacey’s weight, and it’s a relief as soon as Kacey lets herself be held together. She tucks her face into Meghan’s neck and cries, unashamed and safe. 

-

“She wants to meet up with me when we’re back,” Kacey says. Meghan hands Kacey a handful of baby carrots and shakes her head.

“No,” she says, “come on, don’t do that. This is how you end up getting back with her. She complains about how lonely she is and you’re like hey come hang out and then suddenly you’re--”

“Stop,” Kacey says, “I’m not sleeping with her again.”

“You said that last time, too,” Meghan points out. “Please don’t meet up with her. You don’t need to be her friend. You don’t owe her anything. You have great friends, you don’t need another one.”

Kacey sniffs.

“She doesn’t have anyone else,” Kacey says eventually. It’s what scares her the most. It’s too easy for her to imagine Courtney sitting alone somewhere, waiting for an email back.

“Hey,” Meghan says, reaching for Kacey by the shoulders, “that is not your fault. She doesn’t have anyone else because she spent the entire time she was with you micromanaging everything that you did.”

“Still,” Kacey says, “I mean, that’s--that’s how she shows her love for people, she wasn’t trying to--”

“She’s an adult,” Meghan says, taking the carrots out of Kacey’s hand and dropping them back in the bag, which she moves to the bedside table so she can turn and face Kacey properly, “she’s an adult and she’s a school guidance counselor, she _knows_ she’s dependent on you. I’m sorry, I know you love her, but you can’t keep excusing how she treated you. I can’t let you do that.”

“I don’t,” Kacey says, sniffing again. Meghan shifts to sit cross-legged, and Kacey dreads how that usually means she’s supposed to talk. She’s too tired.

“Don’t?” Meghan asks gently, and Kacey wipes her nose on the back of her hand.

“Love her,” Kacey says, “anymore. That’s why she dumped me. Because she could tell I wasn’t in love with her anymore.”

“I mean,” Meghan says, “you tried for a lot longer than anyone else I know would have tried.”

Kacey rolls over and lays on her side. She can’t see out the window, but she knows what’s outside--snow, and quiet. She wants to be in it. Meghan shifts closer and rests her arms on top of Kacey, her legs up against Kacey’s back. If she rolled over, Kacey would be half in Meghan’s lap. She considers it, but she’s afraid of what Meghan would see, suddenly. Afraid that Meghan would see the fact that it occurs to her, even just for a moment, what it would be like to have Meghan wrapped around her while she fell asleep.

It doesn’t mean anything, It’s only because she’s tired, because she misses that comfort and Meghan is here. That’s where Kacey’s mind is when Meghan reaches down and brushes some hair behind her ear. That doesn’t mean anything, either, but Kacey’s stomach drops, because she was already _there_ , already imagining Meghan’s arms around her again. It’s a disaster.

“You’ll be okay,” Meghan says. “And she’ll be okay, too.”

After a while Meghan lays down behind Kacey’s back and reaches for her book. Kacey knows she could move, but she doesn’t feel any urgency to. They’ve fallen asleep in the same bed before, and she’s comfortable, and if Meghan wanted her to go she would have kicked Kacey out already, literally. Kacey falls asleep listening to Meghan turning pages, with her shoes still on and her hands tucked under the pillow. 

-

She wakes up at three in the morning with her shoes off. When she rolls over, Meghan is asleep, too, under the covers, her mouth half open. Kacey holds her breath for a few seconds, not wanting to wake Meghan up, unsure why she’s still watching Meghan sleep.

Her own bed is cool and huge in comparison, but it’s safe, too, safer than Meghan sleeping inches from her, and Kacey isn’t sure when she realized that but she’s not awake enough to question it.

-

The next day is better. The next day is a start and a win, lots of ice time and plays she can feel good about, and when the final whistle blows and Meghan is there with her hand on the back of Kacey’s helmet, it feels like it always has. 

Kacey taps Emily in the center of her chest with her stick and says, “you know, I almost don’t even worry when the two of you are on the ice.”

“Almost,” Emily laughs, and Lee tries to pick Kacey up. She ends up almost falling over, but even that feels right, like things are finally clicking, like they trust her. More than that, she feels like someone they can trust.

“Seriously,” Kacey says, “you guys looked awesome.”

-

_I totally understand that. You have a life you have to live, I don’t want to get in the way of that. I’ve been watching your games, at least the ones that are streamed. I was really sad to see you didn’t play the first one. I hope everything is okay._

-

“She doesn’t care,” Kacey says, “she’s just--she wants me to think she cares.”

“Don’t even answer her,” Meghan answers, half-interested from the bathroom, where she’s leaning against the sink filing her nails down.

“No,” Kacey says, “that’s bullshit, she brought it up just to pick at it because she knew I’d be upset.”

“So what?” Meghan says, “she wants you to expend energy on it, so don’t. Does this look ingrown to you? I fucked up a nail during practice a while back and totally forgot.”

-

They lose to Canada. It’s the first time in a long time and it feels like shit. _Kacey_ feels like shit, and it’s one of those nights where she blames herself, even knowing that’s not how the sport works. She’s not playing her best, lately. She’s not sure when the last time was that she felt on top of her game, but nights like tonight, where she was slow and lackluster, makes her feel like she’s just proving them right for benching her. 

-

“You know those nightmares,” Kacey says, “where you’re like, running away from a monster or something, but you’re running through molasses?”

Meghan yawns, stretching to her full length on the bed.

“Yeah,” she says, but she’s not really awake, no matter how hard she’s trying to listen, and Kacey can tell.

“It was like that,” she says, “like I just couldn’t keep up.”

“I know,” Meghan says, “I felt it too, like--I felt old. I’ve never felt old before. But I don’t think that was it, we were just tired, we were discombobulated. It’ll be fine tomorrow. We know what we have to do.”

Kacey is sure about everyone but herself. 

For a few seconds she listens to Meghan breathing behind her, and then, out of nowhere, Meghan hugs her from behind, resting her chin briefly on Kacey’s shoulder.

“Don’t let them get in your head,” she says, but there really isn’t much in Kacey’s head at all.

It’s easy to forget the game and focus on trying to parse through her feelings. They had been confusing before, before things with Courtney had been resolved, but now it’s been two days and Meghan is holding her, or at least the hug is lingering. Kacey is too warm to pretend that it’s just a hug to her. Meghan holding her makes the rest of her day easier to stomach, 3-2 scoreline and all.

Meghan dealt with that 3-2 scoreline, too. Meghan, with the C on her jersey, losing her voice because she spent two periods begging her team to give her just a little bit more. Kacey is overwhelmed by that, by how much Meghan gives. She’s still giving, even now, making sure that Kacey is okay, and that’s too much.

Kacey rolls over and hugs Meghan with her arms around Meghan’s neck, wanting to thank her for everything but not wanting to try to speak. 

Meghan’s thigh is between Kacey’s. She notices it immediately, and the heat prickles up the back of her neck as soon as she does. She doesn’t think about it, she just moves closer, towards the pressure, hazy and unfocused. Meghan’s hands are on her waist the next time she’s able to think about it, and Meghan is pulling her in, too, so that the two of them together can move Kacey back and forth against Meghan’s leg.

There’s no question what this is. 

When it occurs to her, she freezes. She can’t breathe for how much she wants to kiss Meghan, and there are questions she needs to answer later, but for now her pulse is jumping and Meghan is warm and waiting for her. Kacey reaches up to cup the back of Meghan’s neck in one hand and Meghan follows her into the kiss eagerly. She _was_ waiting. Realizing that makes Kacey draw out the kiss, and now it’s intentional, not a question. Meghan’s hands tighten on her waist, and when they pull apart to breathe Kacey can’t even find it in herself to be surprised.

For a few seconds they just breathe. Meghan hesitates, and Kacey can feel that she’s about to pull away, that she’s unsure about where her hands are. If she lets Meghan pull away, Kacey knows that they’re going to be done, and that alone is enough to make her desperate all over again. She drops her hand to Meghan’s shoulder and guides her back into the kiss, and Meghan kisses her back again, but she’s still so careful, still so hesitant, that Kacey’s not sure they’d ever get anywhere. It’s not how she imagined Meghan would be, not that she can remember imagining how Meghan would be.

Kacey rolls onto her back and pulls Meghan with her, and Meghan seems to get the hint.

This is entirely different, and entirely overwhelming, and now it’s Kacey who needs a second to adjust. Meghan seems to know that. She hovers over Kacey, braced on one knee and a hand next to Kacey’s shoulder, her other hand testing on Kacey’s side, but barely, so Kacey can hardly feel it. Imagining Meghan like this doesn’t cover it. Meghan is bigger than her, solid and real, and there’s a lot of her, a lot that Kacey wants to touch.

Meghan’s hair is down, falling into her face, and that’s a small detail that Kacey can focus on. She reaches up to push it behind Meghan’s ears, and Meghan continues to wait, searching Kacey’s expression. Kacey doesn’t want Meghan to doubt herself. In the end that’s what urges her on enough for her to crane up off of the bed and kiss Meghan again, to erase the worry off of her face, to say yes without saying anything at all.

Meghan presses her back against the mattress, settling with her leg between Kacey’s again. Kacey wraps an arm around Meghan’s shoulder, leaving her other hand free, and pushes past her sudden nervousness to clutch Meghan’s shirt at her ribs. Meghan is still holding herself up, but Kacey doesn’t want any space between them, so she drags Meghan down onto her and rocks against Meghan’s leg and tries not to let herself feel bad for being an opportunist.

She needs this. If Meghan’s willing to give her this, Kacey knows she doesn’t have the ability to turn away from it, no matter how much the nagging voice in the back of her head tells her that Meghan deserves more. 

It’s been so long that Kacey’s sure she could get off like this, even fully clothed, with only the barest brush of Meghan’s fingertips above her hip. She pulls away to breathe but it comes out on a noise that surprises her, even if it’s faint. It must surprise Meghan, too, because Meghan inhales and grips Kacey by the hip, making it a choice to push and pull Kacey against her again, they way they had started to before. They’re still so close together, Meghan resting on one forearm so that Kacey can breathe, that Kacey is acutely aware of how their bodies fit, how nothing is uncomfortable or awkward even for a second, as if they’ve done this a hundred times.

Meghan exhales against Kacey’s ear, rocking down when Kacey rocks up, and it’s enough pressure and enough feeling for Kacey, whether she’s ready or not. She muffles her groan in Meghan’s neck, clinging to her shoulders, and Meghan holds steady while Kacey shakes under her, stroking her hand up along Kacey’s ribs, over her shirt.

When she can open her eyes again, the first thing that Kacey sees is Meghan looking down at her. For the third time that night Meghan hesitates, and for the final time Kacey pulls Meghan down to her. Meghan buries her face in Kacey’s neck, throwing an arm across Kacey’s torso and a leg over Kacey’s hips. They fall asleep tangled up in each other without saying a word.

-

Kacey doesn’t wake up until her alarm goes off, and when she does, Meghan’s already in the bathroom brushing her teeth. She’s disoriented for a second, and when she remembers the night before, Meghan pressed against her, she has to close her eyes again for a second to process it.

When she rolls over and opens them again, Meghan turns around, hearing the sound of the sheets rustling, and smiles at her around her toothbrush.

-

Like Meghan promised, they win when it matters. Kacey is overwhelmed, surprised, guilty for feeling that way, and so grateful to even be on the ice that every inch of her feels too bright and too alive. Meghan is who brings her back down to earth, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and tugging her in for a picture, Mo on her other side.

It’s the first time all tournament that Kacey feels like she really belongs somewhere--tucked up under Meghan’s arm, smiling at a camera, holding up the number one.

-

Kacey finds Meghan in the back of the bus to Helsinki, eyes fixed out the window on the snow. When Kacey shows up next to her, Meghan smiles up at her and moves her bag so that they can both fit comfortably, and they still don’t say a word. They haven’t, much, since last night, and Kacey doesn’t mind, but she wonders what Meghan is thinking.

Buzzed on champagne, Kacey bumps her knee against Meghan’s, smiling back, and Meghan ducks her head toward the window again. Kacey could swear in the half a second that she gets a glimpse that Meghan was almost blushing.

-

There’s no assignments for that night, and nobody blinks twice when Meghan and Kacey assign themselves to each other. They don’t have to talk about it, either, which Kacey appreciates but isn’t surprised by. She follows Meghan to their room, trying to believe that this time last night Meghan’s hands were on her, and mostly failing. It seems like something she made up, or something that happened to someone else, not to her.

Inside, Meghan sits on the edge of one of the two beds and kicks off her sneakers, but she’s still quiet, almost shy, and Kacey doesn’t know what to do with it for a few seconds. It’s cute. She’s not used to thinking that.

“Megs,” she says, and Meghan looks up, blinking.

Kacey moves to stand in front of Meghan and reaches out to take the hat off of her head. Meghan doesn’t move or speak, just looks up at Kacey, and her expression is so open and kind that Kacey can’t help leaning down sharply to kiss her.

It’s a completely different kind of kiss. She’s not desperate anymore, just exploring, so the kiss is gentle and sweet. Kacey genuinely can’t remember the last time she kissed someone like this. Meghan reaches up, touching her arm just slightly, and it’s all the encouragement Kacey needs. She slips out of her shoes and settles onto Meghan’s lap, and Meghan’s hands go to her waist to steady her.

Kacey tries to let the kiss do the talking for her. It takes her a long time to work up to something more, to wrap an arm around Meghan’s shoulders again and open her mouth into the kiss, but when she does Meghan is right there with her, wrapping both of her arms around Kacey’s waist. It shouldn’t surprise Kacey that Meghan’s arms fit around her so easily--she’s smaller, and she knows that--but seeing how strong Meghan is on the ice or in the weight room is much different than this, and she has to break the kiss to breathe, pressing her nose against Meghan’s cheek, trying to keep herself focused. She knows what she wants. For the first time in months, she knows _exactly_ what she wants.

She cups Meghan’s face in her hands, and Meghan’s hands roam up and down her back. After a while Kacey feels like she’s waited long enough for something more, and she pushes gently against Meghan’s shoulders until Meghan falls back against the bed. They pull apart to breathe, and the break isn’t awkward at all. Meghan’s hand slides under Kacey’s shirt, over her lower back, and Kacey turns her head, pressing her lips against Meghan’s jaw.

For a few seconds she wonders if that’ll be it, if that’s all Meghan wants, but Meghan’s hand against her skin is overwhelming, and when it slides up toward her shoulders, Kacey goosebumps immediately. She kisses Meghan’s jaw more insistently, traveling down to her neck, and suddenly she can hear Meghan’s breathing change. It drives her on, makes her shift back on the bed so she can mouth against Meghan’s collarbone, pulling the shoulder of Meghan’s shirt so that she can get to more of Meghan’s skin. Meghan moves under her, and at first Kacey thinks she’s being pushed away. She sits up, giving Meghan space, and then Meghan pulls her shirt over her head and Kacey’s heart thumps against her breastbone.

She looks for a while. She’s not embarrassed that Meghan can see her watching, she wants Meghan to know that she’s watching, she knows how that feels. She wants Meghan to know how attractive she is, so she takes her time, letting Meghan see how she’s feeling. Eventually she reaches down and draws her thumb along the cup of Meghan’s bra where it meets her skin, watching how Meghan’s blush moves down across her her neck and chest.

She moves her hand lower, across the cup of Meghan’s bra, and it’s thin enough that Meghan can feel it with just a little bit of pressure, Kacey can tell from the way that Meghan exhales and then bites down on her lower lip.

She rolls her thumb and Meghan gasps, arching up off of the mattress and into Kacey’s hand. Kacey switches sides then, resting her other hand on Meghan’s stomach, and she waits until she’s worried about Meghan biting down on her lip to stop and kiss her again.

She doesn’t want to take her time, but she knows it’ll be better if she does, so she watches her hand move along Meghan’s stomach and ribs before she makes a move to do anything else. She ends up settling between Meghan’s knees and kissing her again, more urgently this time, and Meghan reaches up to tug at Kacey’s shirt. As soon as Kacey has pulled it over her head Meghan is fumbling with the button on Kacey’s jeans, and they have to break apart to get their pants off. In the process Meghan elbows Kacey and they end up laughing, Meghan pulling Kacey back on top of her to smile against her mouth, and it’s everything good about Kacey’s week rolled into one moment.

For a while she rests her weight against Meghan and savors the feeling of skin on skin. Meghan is the first to get desperate, sliding her hands down from Kacey’s shoulders to her hips and then over Kacey’s underwear to pull her into friction, and Kacey exhales against Meghan’s neck before she rolls onto one elbow and slides a hand down the front of Meghan’s underwear.

Meghan grips Kacey’s upper arms, tipping her head back so that she can breathe. At first her eyes are closed, and Kacey lets her adjust, watching her more than doing anything else. When Meghan has relaxed she reaches down to move Kacey’s hand and tug her own underwear over her hips, and they shift again for the last time, Kacey holding herself up on one arm, their lips barely touching when she replaces her hand.

She can feel Meghan exhale. She wants so badly for this to be good that she waits a little too long to move, long enough that it takes Meghan shifting under her to make her confident enough to try, but it only takes a few seconds for her to figure out what’s working. At first Meghan is mostly still, but after a few seconds she reaches up to cup Kacey’s face in one hand, craning her neck so that she can kiss Kacey’s shoulder.

After a while Kacey presses her face into Meghan’s neck, focusing entirely on her arm and her hand and giving Meghan whatever it is that she needs, and the extra focus, the slightest change of the angle of her wrist, has Meghan trembling, barely holding on, her nails digging into Kacey’s shoulders.

Meghan seems like she’s about to be loud when she tenses up, but she bites her lips again and muffles whatever it is, clinging to Kacey while her hips keep moving. It strikes Kacey as surreal only once Meghan is quiet underneath her again, trying to even out her breathing. She rolls off of Meghan to let her breathe. Staring up at the ceiling makes her mind wander again, makes her want to understand why this is happening _now_ and how she could have missed it for so long, how long it was there for her to miss. Meghan rolls over onto her side to face Kacey, who rolls so that they’re face to face, their breaths mingling. 

Kacey intertwines their legs and pulls the covers on top of them. The bed isn’t really big enough for both of them, but when Meghan slings an arm around her and Kacey presses her nose against Meghan’s collar, they fit comfortably. Meghan falls asleep first, but for the second time in as many nights, Kacey’s not far behind.

-

Their alarms ring at the same time.

Meghan turns hers off first, but soon Kacey follows. When Meghan sits up, Kacey groans and covers her head with her pillow. 

“Kace,” Meghan says, “c’mon.”

“I always set my alarm early enough to go back to sleep,” Kacey says.

“Bullshit,” Meghan laughs, “come on, let’s get bagels before the bus leaves for the airport.”

-

Again it’s like nothing changes. Kacey’s seat is next to Zoe on the flight back, but Meghan is across the aisle. Kacey pretends to sleep, but around the edge of her (badly placed) eyemask she can sort of see Meghan doing a crossword puzzle under her own little light. Her hair keeps falling in her face, but for once she doesn’t have a hair tie around her wrist, so she just keeps tucking it behind her ears again and again.

Kacey pushes her eyemask up and reaches across the aisle to hand Meghan the hair tie from around her own wrist. Meghan looks at it, then smiles at her, and Kacey pulls her eye mask back down before Meghan can see her blush.

-

“Did you drive?” Meghan asks, and Kacey shakes her head.

“I was with Rob,” she says, “so he dropped me off.”

“I can drive you back if you want,” Meghan offers, and Kacey gets a little bit fuzzy and unsure about being in a car alone with Meghan. It’s stupid. They were in bed together just last night. The jet lag and the daylight make Kacey wary again, though, because it’s easy to convince herself she made all of it up.

“Isn’t it out of your way?” she asks, and Meghan shrugs with one shoulder.

“I don’t mind.”

“Alright,” Kacey says, and Meghan grins merrily at her. Kacey trails behind her, but Meghan slows down so that they’re walking shoulder to shoulder, close enough to touch occasionally while Meghan leads the way to the parking deck. Neither of them says anything for a while, until they’re in the elevator, when Meghan puts her duffel down to take the hair tie out of her hair and hand it back to Kacey.

“Keep it,” Kacey says, waving her off, “I have plenty.”

“It’s not my color,” Meghan insists, “I use the blonde ones.”

“Oh my God,” Kacey laughs, “you’re not even _blonde_.”

Meghan aims the hair tie at her like a rubber band and snaps it. It hits Kacey in the shoulder even though she flinches away from it, and Meghan laughs at her, shouldering her duffel again as the elevator dings.

“You sure you play a contact sport?” she teases, and Kacey is too relieved at their banter to be offended.

-

Meghan idles the Jeep outside Kacey’s apartment. It’s cold, cold enough that Kacey doesn’t really want to get out yet. She tells herself that’s why she doesn’t right away, but she knows better, especially when she turns her head against the headrest so she can look at Meghan, whose hands are twisting in her lap like she’s nervous. Meghan being nervous makes Kacey nervous. If Meghan is nervous then there’s probably a good reason, probably something worth being nervous about.

“Hey,” Meghan says, and then checks herself like she thinks she was being overzealous. Kacey has known her long enough to know that expression, to know when she’s trying to hold herself back. “Do you,” she starts again, and then finally finishes, her hands stilling in her lap, “are you free on Tuesday night?”

Kacey swallows.

“You mean, like, after practice?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Meghan says, “like that night, practice is at ten in the morning.”

“Sure,” Kacey says, “I’m not doing anything.”

Meghan takes a breath. Kacey’s still holding hers until Meghan speaks again.

“I’d like to take you to dinner,” Meghan says, looking away from her hands to make eye contact with Kacey. It takes Kacey a full two or three seconds to process what Meghan’s saying, and when she does she blushes furiously. It’s obvious enough that it makes Meghan smile.

“Okay,” Kacey says. “I mean, I’d--I’d like that.”

-

Kacey thinks about it all weekend. It’s a quiet one, one she spends mostly recuperating. She sees Meghan on Sunday and Monday with the rest of the crew at workouts, and they fall into the same pattern they always have, gentle ribbing and checking in with each other but nothing deeper than that.

And then it’s Tuesday.

She wakes up to a text from Meghan.

_Can I pick you up at six?_

Kacey doesn’t really think about it for most of the day. She asks Meghan what she should wear, but otherwise she spends her day like she normally would, and she feels about the way she’s always felt when Meghan has picked her up to go somewhere. Excited to see her, but nothing more, really. She’s definitely not thinking about Meghan’s lips pressed together, her hair fanned out behind her head, against the mattress. She’s not.

She feels a little overdressed until Meghan picks her up wearing a blazer. She’s still in jeans, but Kacey can’t remember ever going somewhere with Meghan where they had to be dressed better than jeans and a t-shirt. She doesn’t mention it, just slips into Meghan’s passenger seat and back into easy conversation, but she’s thinking about it the entire way there. She’s not really nervous until they walk in and she realizes how different tonight actually is.

There are candles on the tables. It’s a romantic place, a date place, and Kacey feels out of her depth when she thinks about Meghan planning this. Meghan pores over the menu, and Kacey watches her, more than a little bit dumbfounded, until they make eye contact.

“I’ve never been here before,” Kacey says, uselessly.

“Good,” Meghan replies, and Kacey’s stomach flips.

It’s a date. If Kacey had convinced herself otherwise even for a moment, she can’t fool herself anymore. It’s so clearly a date, down to how quiet Meghan is, like she’s thinking about everything she says. Kacey makes a mental note to tell her to stop that later, when she feels like she can. She just wants Meghan to be Meghan with her, but here it feels impossible for them to do anything other than catch each other looking over rims of water glasses. 

It’s not water for very long, either. Meghan orders them a glass of wine, and Kacey can’t help herself, breaking into a lull of conversation that’s been entirely superficial, making a joke because her knees are shaking under the table.

“You’re really wining and dining me,” she says. It’s not a joke, but she says it like it’s funny, because she’s not sure she can be serious about it in public. Meghan raises an eyebrow at her.

“That’s the plan,” she says, and Kacey blushes. When she doesn’t answer, Meghan’s expression softens for a moment, and she nudges Kacey’s ankle under the table.

“Is it working?” she asks, and Kacey has to laugh. She thinks that Meghan must know the answer.

-

Flirting with Meghan is only strange because Kacey realizes that she’s been doing it for years. She realizes it when Meghan takes the check and ignores her halfhearted protests. She realizes it when she opens the door for Meghan on the way out and Meghan makes this face at her, with her eyebrows raised and her lips pressed together like she wants to smile but isn’t sure she should. 

“Thank you for dinner,” Kacey says, settling into the passenger seat again. Meghan messes with her gearshift for a few seconds, even though she doesn’t need to. 

“Thank you for letting me take you out,” she says, but it’s way too formal for them.

“It’s just me,” Kacey says, now that they’re alone in the car together. Meghan turns pink and puts the car in reverse, but she doesn’t move it anywhere yet.

“I know,” she says, but she’s not making eye contact, so Kacey covers her hand for a moment.

“Seriously,” she says, “Megs, you don’t have to--it’s just me.”

“No,” Meghan says, “I know. I wouldn’t be so...it’s important because it’s you.”

They’ve had heart to hearts in the car before hundreds of times. Somehow it’s always easier to open up to someone when you know you have the power to drive away from it, and tonight doesn’t feel any different in that respect. Meghan pulls onto the street, but Kacey never looks at anything but Meghan. Meghan is _scared_. That’s the word she hadn’t said. She’s scared because this is them, because there’s something here to ruin. Kacey feels that so deeply that she’s not sure how to say it. 

She also feels the wine, and the way the streetlights highlight Meghan’s jaw. 

When Meghan idles the car in front of Kacey’s apartment like before, Kacey hesitates, unsure at first whether or not she’ll be brave enough to say something. She thinks about last time, about how they had to be quiet and discreet with their teammates so closeby, and tells herself she’s brave enough on principle alone.

“Do you want to come up?” she asks, tugging at the sleeve of her shirt. Meghan clears her throat not once but twice.

“I,” she starts and then hesitates, long enough for Kacey to look over and watch her studying the buttons on her dashboard, “want to do this right.”

“Meghan,” Kacey replies, exasperated enough not to think about it until Meghan’s name is out of her mouth, and then it’s too late anyway, “we’ve already slept together twice.”

Meghan glances at her. They make eye contact for a few seconds before they both laugh. Now Kacey feels shy about it--mostly surprised at the fact that she said it to begin with, even if it’s true--so she’s the one avoiding eye contact, no matter how obvious it is to her that they’re both being ridiculous.

“You don’t have to,” she says, “I just--you wine-and-dined me.”

Meghan turns off the car. Kacey looks at her again, her heart fluttering in her chest no matter how many times she reminds herself that it’s just Meghan. It’s just Meghan who smiles with her eyes and says, “I should have tried that years ago, huh?”

-

Kacey is still thinking about that when they step inside her apartment. She toes her shoes off in the foyer and Meghan follows suit, tugging off her boots. As always, it feels like Meghan belongs, like she’s just as much a part of the place as the furniture, but Kacey is thinking about the word ‘years’ and what it means. She doesn’t want to ask, but part of her has to wonder how long Meghan has wanted this, and thinking about it makes her knees a little bit weak.

She can’t afford to think about how much time they wasted. Instead she reaches for Meghan, pulling her close by the lapels of her blazer, and Meghan covers Kacey’s hands with her own, letting their breaths mingle. They don’t kiss right away. There’s something electric about that, about waiting when she knows that both of them want to, their noses brushing. Kacey darts forward and Meghan meets her, squeezing her hands and then leaving them so that she can steady them with a gentle hold on Kacey’s elbows. 

When she needs to breathe, Kacey pulls back entirely, and Meghan lets go of her, standing quietly. Kacey had not bothered to turn a light on, but she can still see how Meghan is looking at her, and it makes her change her mind about asking.

“How long?” she says, and then immediately regrets it. It sounds like an interrogation, and Meghan looks away briefly.

“I didn’t realize it for a while,” Meghan says. “I guess I realized it after Sochi.”

She looks embarrassed. It’s something about the slope of her shoulders and the tone of her voice, and Kacey hates it, hates that she’s responsible for it, so she reaches out for Meghan again, cupping Meghan’s face in her hands to kiss her again. She takes her time with that kiss, so that Meghan doesn’t feel as if she has anything to doubt, and she waits until Meghan has softened to speak again. She stays close, stroking her thumb along Meghan’s jaw.

“You never said anything,” Kacey says, and Meghan turns her head to kiss Kacey’s hand. It’s a tiny gesture but it’s a tender one, and it makes Kacey’s chest hurt.

“You were with Courtney,” Meghan points out, “you were happy with her before things started to get bad, I wasn’t going to say anything, I wasn’t--it’s not like I was unhappy. I got to have you in my life, that’s all I wanted.”

Kacey wants to cry suddenly, but she doesn’t want this to be about her anymore, and she doesn’t want Meghan to think that she’s done anything wrong, so she manages not to. She can’t imagine it. She knows that she wouldn’t have been able to do the same thing in Meghan’s shoes, but she doesn’t say so, and she doesn’t apologize out loud. She brings Meghan into a kiss and this time she knows it’s going to last. She’s right. 

She pushes Meghan’s blazer over her shoulders and Meghan takes it off, fumbling to set it aside on the counter and reach for Kacey again. Kacey thinks about Meghan after Sochi, about how she had dropped off the map for weeks at a time and Courtney had been enough to keep Kacey from prying, and she has to catch her breath. Meghan was missing her. It’s not what she said, but Kacey knows that it’s what she meant.

Kacey is caught between wanting to take Meghan to bed and wanting to press her back up against the door _now_. She takes Meghan’s hand and tugs her toward the bedroom, fighting against her own impatience, wanting to make up for months of being too self-centered to notice what should have been obvious. In her room she lets go of Meghan’s hand so that she can unbutton her own shirt, and she wasn’t expecting to watch Meghan watching her, but that’s how it happens. She fumbles with a button and Meghan reaches to help her, fingertips brushing against her stomach, and Kacey exhales, reaching for Meghan’s belt instead.

Meghan pushes Kacey’s shirt over her shoulders and Kacey unbuckles Meghan’s belt and everything starts happening incredibly fast. Kacey’s not surprised, not after the date and the wine and Meghan saying what she’s said, but there’s a part of her that wishes they were taking more time with it. When she reminds herself that there’s no limit to the number of times they can do this, the number of times she can take Meghan out to a nice dinner instead, it’s enough of a rush that Kacey backs Meghan toward the bed.

Meghan topples back onto it and Kacey follows her down. It’s not very graceful, but she doesn’t adjust right away. For a few seconds she just lets herself lie on Meghan, lets them both take in how much of them is touching, with nothing and everything between them. Kacey has a thousand things she wants to say, but she knows better than to try to talk.

She noses along Meghan’s neck, and Meghan’s hands skate up and down her back. It’s casual enough, but Kacey can feel Meghan stiffen under her and inhale when she kisses Meghan’s throat. She has to prop herself up on one knee to move her mouth along Meghan’s jaw instead, and Meghan lets her take her time, even though Kacey can tell that she’s restless. 

Kacey is taking her time because she’s nervous.

She wasn’t the first two times. The first time it happened so quickly she had no time to be self conscious or worried about what it all meant. The second time she was only thinking about Meghan. This time means something else, and she knows it, and she wants it to be perfect, she wants it to be able to tell meghan the things she’s feeling that she’s not sure she’d be able to word, anyway. 

“Stop thinking,” Meghan says, pinching Kacey’s side just above her hip. Kacey squirms, and Meghan laughs against her mouth.

Kacey shifts back onto her knees, kissing as much of Meghan’s skin as she can on her way. She pauses in some places, noticing where Meghan is sensitive or ticklish, taking the time to make a mark on Meghan’s ribs just because Meghan can’t stay still while she does. It helps that Meghan’s hands are pulling at the sheets. Kacey notices it out of the corner of her eye and it makes her flush. She doesn’t pull back until it’s really red, and it has to have hurt a little bit, but Meghan doesn’t look bothered. In fact, when Kacey looks up, she’s a little bit staggered to see how pink Meghan is. She’s been biting her lip. Kacey’s brain stops working for a few seconds.

Meghan reaches down for her, but she’s not drawing Kacey back up, just touching her face. She brushes her thumb along Kacey’s lower lip, and Kacey is paralyzed until Meghan takes her hand away. It’s a kind of gesture that makes Kacey feel as if they’ve been doing this forever.

She drops a kiss to the top of Meghan’s thigh, and Meghan exhales audibly. Kacey can hear her pulling at the sheets again. Kacey closes her eyes to focus, finding Meghan’s hips with her hands, and Meghan makes a soft, halting noise that goes right down Kacey’s spine. Meghan is not quiet like this. Kacey realizes that she might not be quiet at all, when they’re not sharing a hotel room between teammates, and that seems right to her, not that she’d ever thought about it before. She opens her eyes and glances up at Meghan’s face, and she immediately regrets it, because any focus she thought she had before is completely shot. Meghan has an arm behind her head, her chin tipped up, and Kacey can’t see anything but the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, the line of her jaw, the curve of her neck into her shoulder. 

Her neck has started to get stiff, so she tilts her head, and Meghan makes a surprised sound that Kacey loves, so she does it again. Immediately, Meghan reaches for her, threading both hands into Kacey’s hair and stroking through it. By the time Kacey finds an angle that’s easy on her neck and makes Meghan squirm, Meghan is desperate, pushing Kacey’s hair out of her face and falling quiet. Kacey teases the barest pressure with her fingertips and Meghan shudders, her nails scraping across Kacey’s scalp. Kacey doesn’t have a word for the sound that Meghan makes then, but knowing that she’s the one who made it happen is mindblowing. She doesn’t let up until Meghan gets twitchy, and then she lifts her head. Meghan is looking down at her, completely pink and breathless. She strokes her hand through Kacey’s hair one more time before she touches Kacey’s shoulder, guiding her up into a kiss.

Kacey wasn’t expecting that, but she realizes she’s going to have to stop expecting anything when it comes to Meghan, like this or otherwise. It’s a slow, messy, lazy kiss that Kacey can barely stay still for, and she knows that Meghan can tell.

“Guess it was good wine,” Meghan says hoarsely, and Kacey shakes her head, tangling their legs together.

“It could have been boxed wine and it wouldn’t have mattered,” she replies.

“Cheap date,” Meghan observes, and Kacey digs her fingers into Meghan’s side, just enough for Meghan to laugh and try to move away from the pressure. The only way ‘away’ is into Kacey, which was kind of the idea. 

“We’ll have to tell people eventually,” Kacey realizes, and Meghan sighs.

“Guess there’s only one way to make you stop thinking,” she mumbles. Her voice is still a little bit rough, and Kacey notices that before she thinks about what Meghan’s said.

“What?” she asks, and Meghan rolls them over, nudging Kacey’s knees apart.

-

It’s so easy.

That’s the thing that blows Kacey’s mind the most. It’s so, so easy to fall in love with Meghan.

It occurs to her a month later, a month of quiet, casual dates that are the same as what they’ve done together for years but with more kissing. It occurs to her with her head in Meghan’s lap, staring at the underside of the crossword puzzle that Meghan is trying to do.

“Four-letter word. Clue is, ‘to stare slack-jawed.’”

“Gape,” Kacey suggests, and Meghan pencils it in, using Kacey’s forehead as a writing surface. Kacey splutters, swatting at Meghan’s hands, and Meghan laughs, and Kacey can feel it as much as she can hear it.

“Megs,” she says, “I wish you’d said something.”

“I don’t,” Meghan says, and Kacey makes a face. She reaches up and tugs at the paper until Meghan sets it aside.

“It doesn’t matter,” Meghan says, “we’re here, now, so--”

“I just,” Kacey says, “the more I think about it the more I feel like I knew and I didn’t know that I knew.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Meghan says fondly, but she reaches down to play with Kacey’s hair anyway.

“We should tell the team,” Kacey murmurs, and Meghan’s hand stills in her hair.

“I feel like they know,” she suggests. Kacey considers it. She tilts her head until Meghan starts playing with her hair again, and closes her eyes.

“We should probably still tell them,” she says, “so that they know we trust them enough to do it.”

“Okay,” Meghan agrees, and Kacey opens her eyes a crack, unable to stop the grin spreading over her face.

“Can I do it?” she asks, “I want to see the look on Decks’ face when I tell them you’re my girlfriend.”

-

The locker room goes very quiet. Kacey hadn’t expected that, and for a second she’s afraid that she shouldn’t have opened her mouth. Then Brianna turns to Brittany and holds out her hand.

“Pay up, bitch,” she says, and the room bursts into activity, laughing, yelling, Hilary wrapping an arm around Meghan’s shoulders and an arm around Kacey’s.

“You guys took _forever_ ,” she says, and Meghan laughs, reaching behind Hilary to snap the waistband on Kacey’s shorts.

“Did everyone know but me?” Kacey asks indignantly, and Brianna, perched on the bench, makes a face at her.

“Knew what?” she asks. “That Meghan was all goo-goo eyes over you, or that you were dating that crazy girl so that you wouldn’t date Meghan?”

She’s kidding. She’s mostly kidding. Either way, Kacey doesn’t stop thinking about it. It’s well under her skin, and she knows that Meghan can tell, because she knows that she’s gotten quiet and Meghan can always see right through her. She hates that, hates that she can’t keep a secret from Meghan even when she wants to.

She gives Meghan a peck when Meghan drops her back off at home, but she doesn’t do or say anything else, and she doesn’t let herself look to see how Meghan reacts. There’s a few different faces she could be making and Kacey knows them all by heart. She just wants to be alone for a while.

Meghan wouldn’t have lied to her about not knowing her own feelings until Sochi, but that leaves three years between her realization and Kacey’s. Three years that Meghan wanted her and said nothing. Three years that, apparently, their close friends knew and Kacey didn’t. It’s a weird sensation, a little like everyone she knows and loves has been secretly laughing at her behind her back for three years, but she knows that’s not really it.

There are three years of her life that she has to completely rethink. Every word she said to Meghan, every word Meghan said to her, every time they shared a bed or fell asleep on each other on the bus, everything has a different meaning now. 

Meghan was hurting. Kacey knows that. She can imagine it. She can imagine Meghan having to ignore her feelings, or feeling like she had to, with them falling asleep in the same bed, Kacey fretting over Courtney. She’s not sure how to live with that.

-

Meghan knocks on her door two hours later. It’s late, late for Meghan specifically, so Kacey’s surprised, standing there in her sweatpants and slippers while Meghan’s in jeans and a hoodie.

“C’mon,” Meghan says, “we’re gonna go for a drive.”

“I’m not dressed,” Kacey says, and Meghan shrugs out of her sweatshirt, handing it over. It’s still warm from her body heat, and Kacey hesitates, holding it in one hand.

“I know you want to sulk right now,” Meghan says, “but I’m not letting you.”

“I’ll sulk if I want to,” Kacey replies indignantly, but Meghan just looks at her, crossing her arms, until Kacey caves and pulls Meghan’s sweatshirt over her head. It smells like her, and Kacey is warm in more ways than one when she follows Meghan out to her car.

“Where are we going?” she asks, climbing into the passenger side, watching Meghan’s hands on the gearshift and steering wheel instead of looking at her face.

“Dunno yet,” Meghan says, “I just wanted to get you out of the apartment. I could hear you overthinking from Brighton.”

Kacey tucks her chin into the neck of Meghan’s sweatshirt and inhales instead of trying to defend herself. Meghan knows her too well for her to bother, anyway, and it’s true, she was sitting at home being dramatic instead of living her life. Not that Meghan doesn’t do the same thing. It takes one to know one.

-

Meghan takes her to the reservoir. Nobody’s supposed to be out there this late. Technically it’s open dawn until dusk, but nobody’s going to arrest them for walking around in the dark. Still, it feels kind of dangerous when Meghan parks and hops out of the car. Kacey follows her, uncrossing her arms, and Meghan reaches for her hand.

They walk, but not far before Meghan stops. There’s no light except for the moon and the streetlights further back, but Kacey’s eyes have adjusted to the dark enough for her to be able to see the look on Meghan’s face. Meghan’s fingers tighten until she’s squeezing Kacey’s hand, and she doesn’t stop until Kacey squeezes back.

“There’s gonna be days like this,” Meghan says. Kacey is fixated on the shadow of Meghan’s long eyelashes. It takes her a few seconds to work out a reply.

“Like what?” she asks.

“Days where we feel distant from each other,” Meghan says, “where stupid stuff gets between us for whatever reason, it’s gonna happen.”

“Okay,” Kacey says, because that seems reasonable, but it also feels like Meghan is setting her up.

“You are,” Meghan says, reaching up to tuck some hair behind Kacey’s ear, “moody, and a little dramatic, and when you’re upset with me you tuck yourself away into your apartment instead of talking to me about it.”

“Wow,” Kacey mumbles, flushing in embarrassment, but Meghan keeps ahold of her hand, and when Kacey makes eye contact again she sees that Meghan’s not done yet.

“But,” Meghan continues, “you’re also so kind, and so smart, and sensitive, and you write poetry that you never let anyone see and you never look for someone to tell you how good you are at your job because doing your job well is enough for you. And you know what? I love that. All of it. I love you.”

Kacey swallows past a lump in her throat. She knew, somehow, and Meghan has said it before, but not since they’ve been together, and Kacey doesn’t want to cry over it. She doesn’t want to ruin it. She feels like she’s already ruined too much today.

“I love you,” Meghan repeats, and Kacey realizes that she never said it back, only felt it in the ache behind her sternum. “I know it’s early but it’s not like we’ve been doing this slowly, and--and I feel like you needed to hear it today.”

Kacey kisses Meghan instead of crying. 

She curls her hand around the back of Meghan’s neck, leaning into her, and Meghan kisses her back until she has to pull back to breathe. Her hand is shaking when she touches Kacey’s face, and Kacey knows she’s terrified. It’s staggering to Kacey that Meghan could possibly not know, but she says it anyway, pressing her nose to Meghan’s cheek.

“I love you, too.”


End file.
